whining

My emotions have been a bit of a rollercoaster lately and it seems like no matter what, I always end up here--so hi. For so long, I had Will and I had Taylor and now I have neither of them. I have Ryan but he...that's complicated (and not just because we're dating now). We don't talk about anything substantial. He doesn't know what keeps me up at night or that sometimes I miss Will so bad I can't stand it. So I don't have anyone to talk about missing Will and Taylor to because I don't actually have anyone. Ryan's never gonna be that person for me. I just want Will. I want to be able to talk to him about dating Ryan and how I secretly hope the distance kills us because I know that he can't be who I need him to be and I want to tell him that things with my mom are better but that this is harder to navigate than before and I want him to tell me about the party he went to and his new girlfriend (and when did he get over Angela?). A couple of months ago, I told him I thought I didn't actually want to catch up because all I'd ever be to him would be the girl I was in high school. And I was fine with that for a while, but I've missed him so much the past few weeks it's all I can do not to text him--because that wouldn't be fair to him. And with Taylor...I know it wasn't a healthy relationship. But I miss her too. I miss her family and her dogs and her ability to distract me and our ridiculous conversations. But she's the one who cut that cord so there's nothing I can really do about it.

I've just realized that this is going to be the first year I've had without either of them wishing me a happy birthday since sixth grade. And Ryan, bless him, is going to want to celebrate and how am I supposed to tell him that I'm not in the mood because all I want to do is sit in my room and miss my best friends?