gutting

Ryan and Taylor are friends again and there's a long, complicated explanation as to why that guts me like it does. What it boils down to is that he went after her first a few years ago and when she turned him down, he came to me. When we started dating this summer, neither of us were friends with her (she'd actually unfriended us both on Facebook) and when she tried to talk to him once, he blew her off and told me about it. It's an awfully big coincidence that we break up and suddenly they're friends on Facebook again and best friends on Snapchat and she's commenting on his Instagram posts and I know that's all social media and it shouldn't matter but that doesn't stop it from hurting. It hurts because I'm still hurting, I still think about him all the time and I can't stop remembering what it was like to kiss him and how it felt when he held me and the way he looked at me just before he said something sweet and how she's cold and selfish and mean 99% of the time but you stick around for the 1% she decides you're worth more and how he deserves better. He deserves better than me and he sure as shit deserves better than her. 

Since we split, I've been having dreams about us where we make up and it's amazing and it doesn't make sense because there's still distance, but it doesn't matter. Now I'm having dreams of them and I know it's probably irrational and I have no basis for the fear--except that I do. I know how she is and how alluring she is and how you get stuck. I know how he falls a little for any one who pays attention to him and how sweet he is and how she can take that and break him and he won't even know it's happening until almost a decade down the road and he's tired. He's so, so tired and she's so obviously different that he can't ignore it anymore and so he's done but he can't get over it, he can't help but wish everything was like it had been. 

The point is that the thought of them even talking feels like acid in my stomach and bile in my throat and my heart feels heavier and I don't know what to do about it, how to make this go away. 

whining

My emotions have been a bit of a rollercoaster lately and it seems like no matter what, I always end up here--so hi. For so long, I had Will and I had Taylor and now I have neither of them. I have Ryan but he...that's complicated (and not just because we're dating now). We don't talk about anything substantial. He doesn't know what keeps me up at night or that sometimes I miss Will so bad I can't stand it. So I don't have anyone to talk about missing Will and Taylor to because I don't actually have anyone. Ryan's never gonna be that person for me. I just want Will. I want to be able to talk to him about dating Ryan and how I secretly hope the distance kills us because I know that he can't be who I need him to be and I want to tell him that things with my mom are better but that this is harder to navigate than before and I want him to tell me about the party he went to and his new girlfriend (and when did he get over Angela?). A couple of months ago, I told him I thought I didn't actually want to catch up because all I'd ever be to him would be the girl I was in high school. And I was fine with that for a while, but I've missed him so much the past few weeks it's all I can do not to text him--because that wouldn't be fair to him. And with Taylor...I know it wasn't a healthy relationship. But I miss her too. I miss her family and her dogs and her ability to distract me and our ridiculous conversations. But she's the one who cut that cord so there's nothing I can really do about it.

I've just realized that this is going to be the first year I've had without either of them wishing me a happy birthday since sixth grade. And Ryan, bless him, is going to want to celebrate and how am I supposed to tell him that I'm not in the mood because all I want to do is sit in my room and miss my best friends?